How to High Five

You see it at countless conventions and office happy hours -- the failed high five. This might be the single worst display of a lack of masculinity that exists. It can manifest in many different forms.

The Total Miss. Arguably, this is actually the LEAST embarrassing because, by it's very nature, it entitles the "fivers" another oppurtunity.

The Incidental Contact. Horrendous. Just horrendous. It's painful to watch, really. One guy goes high, one guy goes not so high and there some sort of awkward wrist smack. This can also be where a solid high five goes errant and you just get some light pinky to pinky action. Again, horrible -- just plain embarrassing for all those involved, and anyone in the immediate vicinity.

Miming. Miming is when one guy goes for the high five and the other guy doesn't. One guy is standing there like the Statue of friggin Liberty waiting. Typically, this will turn into a pretend wave, or a sudden hair adjustment. Either way, we all saw it, and we all immediately assume you're gay.

The Chick Arm. There may very well be no correction for this. See, women don't understand the high five. They just can't quite grasp the physics of it. They tend to lock their elbow and PUSH through the five....like a shot putter. Guys know that a high five starts with a relaxed, bent elbow -- and you use a whipping motion, fulcrumed at the elbow, to SMACK the other guy's hand. If you're one of those guys who pushes through the high five, just go home to your cats and your houseplant, and spend the evening catching up on the Project Runway's you recorded.

Rock, Paper, Scissors. In our society, this has become more and more prevalent. Salutations have gotten to complicated and it's spilled over to celebrations. You throw up a high five, your buddy throws you a pound (closed fist)...you end up switching to the pound, just as he switches to the open hand. Everyone around you assumes you're from Melwood and you're playing rock, paper, scissors. So sad.....

Know this, friends...the key to a real man's high five is simple. Go high, go hard, or go home. And for the love of God, don't say "ouch" afterward.