Know Poker Hands

Poker hands? Hardly know her!

You've gotta know your poker hands. It's just sad to see a guy get all excited about his 2 pair only to learn that it ISN'T better than a straight. Honestly, it's not that tough - and if you keep your mouth shut, usually someone else at the table knows what he's doing and will call out what's what. But reaching in for the chips when you didn't actually win is more embarrassing than that time you shit your pants on the metro.

Remember, too, that there are thousands if not millions of different poker games. And each has some sort of elaborate rule set. Sometimes the Ace is good, sometimes it's bad. Sometimes the guy next to you is trying to help you win; sometimes he's trying to make you lose.

At the very least, learn the rules and hands of Texas Hold 'Em. At least that way, if you screw up one of the other games, you can say "Oh, I'm so used to Hold 'Em".

Now, if you're truly interested in taking the next step, and being an active participant -- learn nicknames for hands. "Dead Man's Hand', "Bullets", "Snowmen", "Herpes", "Doctor's Visit", "Your Mom", "My Mom", "Joe Mom", "Who Farted", "Dirty Seagull", and others. Ok, some of those might be fake, but you didn't know that. What's why you're here....to learn.

Funny Porn Titles

There are few things that unite men quite like the joy we find in fake porn titles. As a man, you must know at least a few of these. You will not believe the respect you'll earn at any gathering of males if you can work just a few of these titles into the conversation.

Eventually, it becomes a competition - so knowing a few of the "off the beaten path" (pun intended) is always a sure sign of dominance. You can't go wrong with this compliation. Feel free to add your own....

Study up, Ace.

Breast Side Story
Charlie's Anal
Crocodile Done Me
Forrest Hump
Full Metal Jackoff
Glad-He-Ate-Her
My Big Fat Greek Woody
Sorest Rump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory?

When to take the hat off

There is a species of man out there that believes the baseball hat is completely acceptible attire in a sit down restaurant. Within the scientific community, this is known as Homo Douchebagus. Easily confused with PoppedCollar Jerkoffus, Homo Douchebagus typically wheres this hat at an angle because he saw Eminem do it once.

Spotting this joker usually overcomes one with the unstoppable urge to bash him in the face with your water glass. This reaction must be managed; it must be quelled. I know what you're going through, but it's what society has classified as an "overreaction".

The general rule is as such -- if the place has cloth napkins; no hat. If your order is taken by a waiter and you're NOT in a bench, no hat. If you're on a first date; no hat. Don't worry, nobody wears a hat on a second date because if you wore one on the first date there would be no second.

There are a few other places guys no better than to wear a hat; church, a job interview, and meeting her parents.

Unless you've got a wicked receeding hair line and you look like a monk. Cover that shit up.

Give Directions

Have you ever actually listened to a woman give directions? It sounds something like this:

Uh...Elm Street. I think my pediatrician used to be near there. Oh, wait, that was Elm Ave. Um....ok, you go down this street, and make a left, right? Right. But it's kind of like going straight...and I always end up missing it whenever I'm not paying attention, but there's a gas station on other side of the road behind the brick building - you can't see it until you pass Elm though.

Painful. Physically painful listening to girl's give directions.

Men should know how to do it - or know how to fake it. Let's first assume you don't know where they are headed. It's easy. You point them in the direction of the nearest major road. Make sure it's far enough away that you don't risk them coming back and calling your bluff. It's a win, win - you get a good laugh, and they get to tell people about the jackass who sent them the wrong way.

Now let's assume you do know the way. Men have a connection women can never understand. It's called common sense. Women have no clue what this is.

Here's a man giving directions to a man:

Go up to the stop sign - hang a left. Take that to the light - hang a ralph. Keep on that until you see the Hooters; then make the next left.

Here's a man giving directions to a woman:

Go down this street until you see signs for the highway - follow that.

Take a Picture

The camera has been around for a long time. And while the technology has grown leaps and bounds in a relatively short period of time, there is one thing that remains constant; some sort of button, usually on the top of the camera, that takes the picture. It doesn't matter if it's the smallest, most compact digital camera or the old Nikon brick that you got for your high school graduation gift, you press a button and that's that.

Men seem to have this down pat. You aim the camera in the general direction of the cleavage or person you are trying to photograph and you press the button.

Women, for some reason, are unable to grasp the concept. Instead, they press the button and then when something doesn't happen in 3 nanoseconds, they lift it or turn it around and FLASH, shitty picture taken. Great shot of your wrist or the floor. Oh, hey, look, there's your purse. Terrific work, Janet.

Do you know why guys are good at taking pictures? Because we don't like to be in them. We don't need to be shown a photograph of who or where we were...we lived it. As a matter of fact, the only time a guy wants to be in a picture is when he's photo bombing.

Guys should also know that taking one picture is enough. Eyes were closed? Who cares. Made you look fat? You are fat. But hand a woman a camera, and all of a sudden it's a fuckin fashion shoot.

Just for kicks, the next time you're out, point a camera at a group of girls and shout "smile!". I guarantee that at least one girl will put her left hand on her hip (she read in Cosmo this helps you look skinny.) Another will tilt her head at a 45 degree angle (this hides the double chin). And there's always one that won't smile because "my smile is ugly" (cue all the other girls trying to convince her that it's not even though it's absolutely hideous).

Point a camera at a group of guys and shout "smile!" and you'll get 5 middle fingers. Or an ass.

Not Say Penis

There is a reason that there are over one million different ways to say "penis". It's a gross word. No man likes to say it. When a man has to utter this horrible word, you'll often hear him let out a slight cough. Sometimes, out of sheer discomfort, his voice will go up an octave. Regardless, men figured out so many more creative words to describe the focus of our existence.

Upon request, men can produce at least 30 such terms. If you want to have fun at a happy hour sometime, ask each guy to give you his top five favorite nicknames for his manhood. Not only will this cause hysterical bouts of laughter; you might actually learn something.

Never underestimate a man's ability to come up with brilliant names for his pocket rocket.

Below is a simple guide to gauge where you stand among other men...

Boring

Dick

Peter

Schlong

Funny

German War Helmet

Kidney Cracker

Giggle Stick

Pure Genius

Pope John Pole

Horseman of the Ahumpalypse

Buster McThunderstick

How Not to Be Bored

If you've ever had a girlfriend (I know, it's a stretch) than you no doubt witnessed one of the most annoying things that women do. Sitting on the couch, she suddenly sits up, throws her shoulders forward and huffs "I'm bored!" This comes from years of having her every whim satisfied. The brat is basically saying "Entertain me!"

Men, however, are not like this. If we notice that we're bored, we try something that no women would think of; we find something to entertain us! It's a novel idea, I know. If the television show you're watching isn't holding your attention - then get up and find something to fucking do.

There are limitless things that can entertain men; scratching ourselves, drinking, or porn - for example.

We're an instant gratification society; and technology is happy to oblige. With cell phones, televisions, DVR, Wii, and the Internet, there is absolutely no reason that you can't find something to occupy you're beer oppressed brain. If kids in Japan can have epileptic seizures as a result of watching a game show - there's no reason you can't keep from getting bored at home.

The next time you're starting to lose interest in whatever you're doing, simply ask yourself one quick question; Have I ever been bored while drunk?

Fuck no!

Problem solved. Pass the brewski.

Look at Boobs

You gotta give the people what they want. And women know it. That is why those with big racks wear shirts that are two sizes too small. One of the responsibilities of being a man is to look at and appreciate said breasts. But you can't get caught like these jokers.

It's really not that hard (don't say that's what she said - grow up!). Just don't get greedy. There's a reason God gave you the ability to make mental images upon seeing something for just a short period of time. Stare too long and your pork sword starts calling the shots. You turn into a creepy staring pervert.

When you're standing or sitting directly opposite the jugs, it can be difficult to sneak a look without getting caught. You need a mind muscle connection for this. It is possible to "defocus" your view from only the face to incorporate the whole body. It's the same principal you put into effect when speaking to someone with a huge scar on their face. You back your vision out to look at the whole face instead of leaning forward, mumbling, and staring at their deformity. If done properly, this should NOT require the "eye hop" that ends up making your pupils look like eight balls on a trampoline.

If at all possible, this should be your preferred method of viewing. This is where you dominate. If she's sitting and you're standing or you're taller than her and standing behind, you've hit the jackpot. Drink it in, my friend - there's almost no chance of getting caught. DON'T STARE, though...take your looks, enjoy them, committ them to memory and move along.

You'll develop your own style, I'm sure. But just remember this; women want you to look, that's why there are tube tops, but greed will get you slapped faster than Tina Turner after dropping Ike's favorite mug.

Shaking Hands

All the other stuff is secondary, really. When it comes to the true measure of a man, it's all in the handshake. This might be the purest form of "first impression". People will judge you based on this single, seconds long act.

Doctors have had their profession associated with a weak, limp handed shake. The "Doctor's Handshake" can also be called the "Dead Fish". Just throwing a flacid hand out there to be squeezed carries with it all the conitations that the inuendos imply. You just lost ALL the respect in the first 4 seconds of meeting someone. And they'll assume that you're a HUGE fan of Viagra.

The handshake is so much more than what you do with your hands. Men know to make eye contact when hands meet. You're basically saying "fuck you" if you're looking somewhere else while shaking another guy's hand. And he'll know it.

The handshake can be used other times than simply greetings and congratulations. For example, men know that shaking hands with a girlfriend's ex is a terrific time to establish dominance. Forget the bullshit you read about in business books about turning your hand to be palm down or starting your hand up at shoulder height and diving it down. That's all pomp and circumstance. Just grab ahold of that guy's hand and try to break his fingers. If he's smart, he'll intensify his grip as a defense measure...but he'll know what you're saying. You're saying "I'm better in the sack then you". This works even better when YOU'RE the ex.

Bottom line - work on your handshake. Frank Sinatra, George Patton, Teddy Roosevelt -- all of them had awesome handshakes, and all of them could crawl out of the grave and still kick the shit out of you. That's no coincidence.

Unclog A Toilet

Plumbers are laughing at you. Worse, they're making money off your ignorance.

Any man who calls a plumber simply because the toilet is clogged is just a sad, sad case. Look, you dropped a massive - you built a shit igloo over top of it, and you flushed. Now it's jammed, in all likelihood, a mere six inches down the pipe. There are two possible ways to clear this that don't involve an embarrassing phone call and a 200 dollar service charge.

Solution one is what we call the "poor man's plunger". It's also been called "Test your courage", "Splash and Dash", and "First Date Hail Mary". This is perfect for when you're at someone else's house and you either a) don't want to be heard using a plunger or b) don't have a plunger available. Simply flush the toilet again and allow the water level to rise. This is where it gets interesting. The goal is to let the water level come up as high as it can, thus creating the most amount of pressure. You have to react like a mongoose to get to the shut off valve behind the toilet, though, if this doesn't work. If enough water gets into the toilet, it can push the clog through....flushing normally, and saving your pride. If this doesn't work, you'll have to go to Solution two.

Solution two is the plunger. It's basically the hammer of Thor if you're in a bind. It's also an essential after ANY BBQ at your house that involved a cheese dip. There are two plunging styles. Home alone. And occupado. Home alone is when you ram that sucker like you're churning butter in Amish country. No one around to hear you splash, beg, pray, and plead with the obstruction to move along. Occupado, which is Spanish for male occupad, means that people are close enough to hear so you need to have some tact. This is the style to use when you're on a first date and the Thai food kicks in. This consists of small, quiet pushes masked by a running tap or a well timed cough.

If neither solution works, or you don't have a plunger and solution one was a no go, you still have options. There's dirty fishing which requires a coat hanger and a strong stomach. Then there's the OJ - simply running away from the bathroom hoping that no one can later relate you to the crime. Lastly, there's the "frame". Close the lid, wash your hands, spray some spray and exit the bathroom. Mention to another guest at the party how you were surprised how well the toilet flushes. That way, when the next guy goes in and finds this clog - it's his problem. Poor, poor bastard.

How to order a beer

You're probably used to the sofa bar where you order fifteen dollar mixed drinks and lounge on a couch discussing Sex and the City with a chubby female co-worker.

It's time you went to happy hour and ordered a beer. There's a few things you need to know first, though. When you initially arrive and take your seat at the bar, make sure you glance down at what's on tap. This will avoid you ordering a type of beer they don't have. See, you Metros think that when you order a beer they don't have it makes you look sophisticated. Actually, it makes you look like a tool.

If you slip into your old ways and accidentally order a "Stella Artois" in a place with peanut shells on the floor, you can recover. The key is to act surprised, and then really disappointed. Say, "Really, you don't have that anymore? Must have been on special" and quickly order something else with a settling tone in your voice. "Miller Lite.....i guess". See what you did there? You managed to make it look like they USED to have that pretentious stuff and that Miller Lite was just going to have to suffice.

I don't care what they do in restaurtants, do NOT put salt on your napkin to stop it from sticking. Guys should know how to stop it from sticking. Pull it off the fucking glass, wad it up in a ball, and hit your friend in the nuts with it.

This is alot for you to handle, so I'll let you digest it. More on true beer consumption later.

Lose the iPhone, Ted

As far as I'm concerned, a man walking around with an iPhone is worse than a man in a skirt. A skirt I can deal with, or can write off as punishment for losing a bet. Fooling around with the iPhone in public is unforgiveable.

Women can have iPhones because that behaviour is expected of them. We're not surprised she can't be away from her email - because gossip moves at the speed of mouse clicks now.

You, however, don't need that. You're supposed to be a man. Women don't want you to have an iPhone. They want to know that you can go ten minutes without updating your Facebook status. "Ted is enjoying the stroll home", "Ted is wondering why people in Georgetown pull right up to crosswalks", "Ted is feeling like chili for dinner". Ted is basically craving kissing a man.

The iPhone is a giant, glaring "Homo" neon sign hanging over your head. Every email you type ends with "Sent from my iPhone" - which translates to most men as "I'm looking to hook up with a dude and do some meth".

A Blackberry can be tolerated - it at least appears to be a device for work. You're an important guy - who needs to be available 24/7. Hell, it might be the FBI sending that guy an email to say they need him to eliminate a terrorist.

Then there's Ted in the corner feeding the coy in his virtual pond. Poor bastard.

Know Where Home Depot Is

I don't care if you don't know how to build anything. I don't care if you don't even know what a 2x4 is or the difference between a flat head and a phillips head screw driver. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST HOME DEPOT IS. Not because you'll ever need to go there, but because someone else might. And there is nothing more pitiful then a man who doesn't know where Home Depot is.

Say you're at a party at a friend's house, throwing back some beer and BBQ. One of the guys mentions how there's a loose railing on the deck. He'll no doubt announce to the group on his intentions to fix said railing "next weekend". Another male will instinctively ask where the nearest Home Depot is. See, it is in our DNA to want to show women that we know how and are interested in fixing things. It dates back to the Caveman days when survival meant women needed to shack up with the guy who could build the best shelter. Your ancestors were working their way through the digestive tract of a sabertooth tiger back then.

So, the question is asked -- if people look at you and your response is "I don't know", then you've just guaranteed the ladies are wasting their time with you. No woman respects a man who knows where the nearest Borders is, but can't tell you how to get to the hardware store. Pack it in and go home, Nancy Von Limpwrist.

And when you get there, get on Google Maps and find a god damn Lowe's, would ya?

NFC v. AFC

Men hate being corrected. Especially in front of other men. There's an unwritten rule about it. Men don't correct each other unless you committ a gross error. One of those relates to football.

First off, there is only one football. American football. That other sport is called soccer. People don't think you're cultured because you call soccer football. That shit might get you accepted in Europe, slapnuts, but that's cause all Europeans are gay. Like you.

When you're at the bar, and the guys are talking about who is going to be good this year, you can still survive, Mary. You don't have to know what teams will be good and which will suck. You don't even have to know who was good last season. Just don't be the tool who says "I think it'll be the Steelers and the Ravens in the Super Bowl".

You idiot. Not only did you pick two teams from the same conference, you managed to pick two teams from the same division! Any man, regardless of the unwritten law, who DOESN'T correct you now risks his own penis. You're going to get made fun of and made fun of hard. Be ready for it. Besides, you deserve it for an assanine comment like that.

Do a google search and learn which teams are in the NFC and the AFC. You don't even have to know the divisions, because they changed them more than once. So, you can kind of play off that you were "used to the Cardinals being in the NFC East".

If you can't be bothered to learn AFC v. NFC, then at least do us all the favor of keeping your mouth shut while we talk football.

The Rules of Beer Pong

The Rules of Beer Pong are an essential knowledge that all men must possess. I'll even grant you some lenience here to call it Beirut. Guys who went to schools like Villanova and Cal will call it Beirut so they sound more intelligent. They also like to throw in fruity rules like if you knock over the water cup you have to pee with the door open next time. Disgraceful. Don't take part in their grab ass style games.

Real men play Australian style - which is to say, you drink every time you throw a miss. Let me tell you, that will get you fucked up.

I'm not going to outline the whole thing for you - I don't have that kind of time. Just go out and do your research. But, if you want to hang with the boys, there's a few things you should focus on.

1. Consolidation - nothing betrays your Beer Pong ignorance like not knowing when to rearrange - especially as a courtesy to the other team. Learn this and learn it well.

2. Throwing style - girls throw with a 5 finger grip as if they're tossing a marble into a test tube. Guys throw it with a huge rainbow arch - and try to put as much show into it as you can. It makes you look like a professional. But if you ham it up and miss, you'll look like a Douche.

3. Wash the ball - little known fact - dipping a ping pong ball into a cup of dirty water instantly sterilizes it. Don't cringe when you do this.

4. Drink your beer, Puss. Don't pass it to your partner; that's what chicks do.

5. Act like you been there -- don't jump up and down shouting when you hit a cup. A slight fist pump or "there you go" is acceptible. But if you start celebrating too early you're just hurting yourself.

John McClain is the Man

If you don't know who John McClain is, then I'll let you get back to your Trading Spaces marathon on HGTV. "Welcome to the pawty, pal!"

One of the most important things that guys must know how to do is properly quote a movie. Roughly 80% of what males say, specifically to one another, consists of movie quotes. When intoxicated, men can have entire conversations using nothing but lines from various movies.

To some men, there is no greater sin than screwing up a classic line from a movie. Want to betray how girlie you are? Simply wait until everyone is trading quotes from Demolition Man and announce to everyone you haven't seen it. Congratulations, Liberace, you just gave them another reason to suspect you're gay.

There are 5 movies that all real men should be able to quote. If you can't, I recommend you go out, watch all these movies, and come back when you know them word for word.

Die Hard

Dumb and Dumber

Reservoir Dogs

Predator

Airplane

Women hate when guys trade lines for hours on end. They don't understand it. But they respect it. Study up, Ace -- or go wax your chest. Whichever you prefer.