Unclog A Toilet

Plumbers are laughing at you. Worse, they're making money off your ignorance.

Any man who calls a plumber simply because the toilet is clogged is just a sad, sad case. Look, you dropped a massive - you built a shit igloo over top of it, and you flushed. Now it's jammed, in all likelihood, a mere six inches down the pipe. There are two possible ways to clear this that don't involve an embarrassing phone call and a 200 dollar service charge.

Solution one is what we call the "poor man's plunger". It's also been called "Test your courage", "Splash and Dash", and "First Date Hail Mary". This is perfect for when you're at someone else's house and you either a) don't want to be heard using a plunger or b) don't have a plunger available. Simply flush the toilet again and allow the water level to rise. This is where it gets interesting. The goal is to let the water level come up as high as it can, thus creating the most amount of pressure. You have to react like a mongoose to get to the shut off valve behind the toilet, though, if this doesn't work. If enough water gets into the toilet, it can push the clog through....flushing normally, and saving your pride. If this doesn't work, you'll have to go to Solution two.

Solution two is the plunger. It's basically the hammer of Thor if you're in a bind. It's also an essential after ANY BBQ at your house that involved a cheese dip. There are two plunging styles. Home alone. And occupado. Home alone is when you ram that sucker like you're churning butter in Amish country. No one around to hear you splash, beg, pray, and plead with the obstruction to move along. Occupado, which is Spanish for male occupad, means that people are close enough to hear so you need to have some tact. This is the style to use when you're on a first date and the Thai food kicks in. This consists of small, quiet pushes masked by a running tap or a well timed cough.

If neither solution works, or you don't have a plunger and solution one was a no go, you still have options. There's dirty fishing which requires a coat hanger and a strong stomach. Then there's the OJ - simply running away from the bathroom hoping that no one can later relate you to the crime. Lastly, there's the "frame". Close the lid, wash your hands, spray some spray and exit the bathroom. Mention to another guest at the party how you were surprised how well the toilet flushes. That way, when the next guy goes in and finds this clog - it's his problem. Poor, poor bastard.