How to Screw Up Valentine's Day

The Truth will set you free: actually, you'd get killed

Valentine's Day. To the husband it's less and less effort each year. To the boyfriend, it's MORE AND MORE effort each year. And to the single - well, as if life doesn't suck enough, right?

Perhaps the most scary of all "holidays". The fact that anyone calls it a "holiday" should tip you off that we're in trouble. Valentine's Day is exact opposite of a holiday actually. Holidays typically constitute a day off and a chance to relax. On Valentine's Day, you still have to work, and end up having to put alot MORE effort into the day than you should.

There are many pit falls designed to destroy men on this day. Firstly, how many commercials on television do you see where the women is getting something for the man? None. Yet every commercial shows a stupid guy trying desperately to find the absolute last box of 2 year old chocolates and a stupid card. These commercials are trying to tell your significant other "he is DEFINITELY going to screw this up". You've already lost and you haven't even started playing yet.

I'm a huge fan of Asian Royalty. If I could spend an entire Valentine's Day as such, it'd be the perfect day. I live in the real world, though, and have to spend February 14th hoping upon hope that my gesture is good enough.

The pitfalls that beseech man are as follows. You, inevitably, have one of the following women in your life. So, good luck pleasing her. I hope that you heed the advice:

"Don't Get Me Anything" Girl -- she doesn't want you to get her anything. She wants you to WANT to get her something. So much so that you get her something. Because if you don't....God help you, son.

"Let's just get something small" Girl -- You better get me something bigger than what I got you.

"Valentine's Day is so commercial" Girl -- she doesn't want those tacky cards or chocolate. She wants you to stray from the beaten path. Think sentimental, elaborate, or EXPENSIVE.

"It's so embarrasing to have stuff delivered at work" -- send me something at work...and make sure it's better than what that bitch in accounting got!

"I love Valentine's Day" Girl! -- Get the wallet out, chief. This one is gonna hit you where it counts. Card, chocolates, cute stuffed animal. If you don't go 110% on this one...you're going home. Alone. Again.

To women, Valentine's Day is about showing that their man cares about them - preferably in front of coworkers who will then be jealous. To men, Valentine's Day is about sex...preferably overheard by coworkers who will then be jealous.

As far as we're concerned, Cupid could do with a little birdshot in his diaper. Open season.